Introducing Our Sweet Baby Carter!!

I felt like he was looking right at me. Every time I logged onto our agency's waiting child page, I would see this face, not quite smiling, waiting for me to see him. Not to see him with my eyes, but with my heart.

He was hidden behind labels that at first seemed frightening, but when we looked further we realized weren't entirely true. Hidden behind labels like "deafness" and "heart defect", to name a few, we found our beautiful son. He is 15 months old and living in a city called Zhengzhou, in Henan Province of China. We are not sharing all of his medical issues publicly but his most obvious one is called microtia or malformation of the right ear. On that side, he cannot hear at all and it is very unlikely that he will ever be able to hear from that ear. On the left side he is not deaf, but does have mild hearing loss which means he will most likely need to wear a hearing aid. We've had his hearing tests reviewed by two audiologists and were told that his prospects for hearing and speech development are very good.

These last few weeks have been some of the most exciting and terrifying of my life. We spoke to several specialists, trying to get all of our questions answered. We waited, and waited, and finally received an update from China with pictures and good news about his development. There are so many unknowns and so many possibilities tied into this choice we have made. It was not a choice made lightly. We knew that once we took the first step in faith, there would be no turning back. Very quickly we realized that it had become clear to us both that this is our son and we already love him, even if we don't know him yet. As with most children who are adopted internationally, there will always be more questions than answers about the time before they were ours, but this is what I know for sure, deep in my core-

First, God has already been loving him, with an everlasting love, even before he was born,

before he was an "orphan",

before he was labeled and mislabeled,

before we saw his sweet face,

before we claimed him as our son.

He was already claimed since the beginning of time, by the One who is and always has been "a Father to the fatherless."

Second, he is not the lucky one in this story.

We are.

We are still in awe at that we have found him!

He is the one we have prayed for, hoped for, searched for, and now adore.

So now our real waiting begins. It will probably be about five to six months before we can bring our precious baby Carter home. Five months have never seemed like an eternity until now!

The kids are alright, and other reassurances....

When we first announced our decision to adopt, the most common question we received from well meaning friends and loved ones (and not-so-loved-ones) was, "And how do Camdyn and Charlie feel about all this?" Implied within the question was often not so masked concern that by adding another child to our family, one who comes from an unknown place with an unknown history, we were jeopardizing the well being of the children we already do have. Sometimes I wish we could just put a sign around Camdyn and Charlie that says something like, "Our family is doing something out of the norm, but we are happy, well adjusted, and thriving. Really, we are alright." Adoption is a long (very long) process and we are blessed with time to nurture and prepare our little ones for what lies ahead.

In the midst of paperwork, home study visits, and adoption training, we are busy with all the business of raising a family. Our summer has been filled with swimming, camping, swimming, vacation, and more swimming. As far as our adoption timeline, we are scheduled to have our final home study visit in two weeks. After that, we wait for our social worker to complete the home study and then we rush, rush, rush to get our I-800 application sent to U.S. Immigration for clearance stating that we are approved to adopt a child from China. Then we rush, rush, rush to get our dossier certified and sent to China. This entire journey is a lot of rush, rush, rushing, then wait, wait, waiting. Every so often, I start to feel a sense of urgency. A voice that says, "Move faster, hurry up."

Then I remember that we promised ourselves from the beginning that we would place this entire adventure in God's hands. Which means that, for us, every step and every mis-step is under under the umbrella of Grace, is part of our dance with the Divine, and will lead us to the endpoint, which will also be the beginning point of our new life as a family. My favorite line from T.S. Eliot (my favorite poet) is this- "Except for the point, the still point, there would be no dance, and there is only the dance." So, in this dance of mine, I am looking always for the still points. Snorkeling side by side with Camdyn, watching her discover the beauty of the sea, that was a still point. Riding bikes with Charlie, while he lectured me on my fossil fuel consumption, that was a still point. Deciding on a hot day, that ice cream must be had immediately, so pull over Daddy at the very next place you see, that is a still point.

And then when we pick up and move again, back into real life with a little boy and a little girl who simultaneously love and loath each other, and we go, go, go from one activity to another, I remember the rest of my dear Mr. Eliot's words, "Love is itself unmoving, only the cause and the end of movement." And so we keep moving towards China.

Redefining Perfect

For several years, I believed that Justin and I had managed to create a nearly perfect family. First, we were blessed with a beautiful and brilliant daughter who has proven that God can take a mother's and father's genes and create someone more amazing than either parent could ever hope to be. Then, a super nova ray of light and energy burst into our lives and we called him Charlie. We have said to each other every day for the last nine years, "We are blessed, blessed, blessed."

If you had told me six months ago that we would now be on a journey to adopt another child, that that child would be in China, and that our Chinese baby would be a boy....I would have laughed. Like Sarah laughed at the angels. For years we had talked about adoption, but then ended up dismissing the idea as too much for our family to take on at the time. Time, time, time. We thought one day it would be time, but just not this moment. I would sometimes bring it up to Justin and he would respond with, "I'm not ready. Not yet." And so I prayed. I prayed that God would either take away my desire to adopt a child, or that God would very clearly let Justin know when the time was right. I must have prayed this prayer a thousand times and eventually thought that it just wasn't going to happen. Then, one Sunday morning, Justin caught me looking at adoption websites and said, "I'm ready. I think it is time and I am 100% on board. BUT- you have to finish your master's degree first." (My Master of Theological Studies Degree that I began in 1999!) If I needed any motivation to get my thesis done, there it was! In truth, Justin has his own story of God speaking to him in a very real and profound way, telling him that it was time for us to adopt. However, it is his story and not mine to tell. Just know that God answered my prayers and there were no longer any doubts, it was time.

Adoption. What a huge thing! There are so many types of adoption. So many places to adopt from. So many children with so many needs. Where should we start? Fostering? Domestic? International? Which country? Infant? Older child? Siblings? Special needs? At first, the choices seemed too overwhelming. We talked and read and prayed and did something many parents don't do- we talked to our children. We quickly realized that they were excited about the idea of another sibling, but not someone older than them or the same age. (Adopting out of birth order is a controversial issue in and of itself.) One child would be ok, but not two or three. We looked at domestic infant adoptions. We looked at foster-adopting. But, for reasons that are somewhat personal, we did not feel led clearly to either one.

That is when we stumbled upon China's Special Needs adoption program. I had not looked at China at first because I knew that their adoptions had slowed down dramatically over the last few years. Couples have been waiting in line for over six years to adopt healthy baby girls. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that there are thousands of Chinese children in need of families who have medical needs. These "special needs" vary and range from severe neurological defects to cleft lips and cleft palates to limb defects to congenital heart defects. I was even more surprised to realize that the children most in need of adopting families are boys with special needs. For some strange reason, most of the families adopting from China, even through the special needs program are requesting only girls. It is like a reverse gender preference which leaves orphaned boys waiting much longer than little girls for their forever families.

Through a long series of discussions and research and prayers, we decided that we would begin the journey to adopt a child from China. We are requesting a boy under the age of two. As of now, we are requesting a child with a congenital heart defect. (Though I think this is not something that is completely set in stone.) We are going to call him Carter- a name his sister picked out but one we all agree is perfect.

Why are we adopting? Because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit. God's love is not a warm fuzzy feeling. God's love is not red hearts and roses and chocolate candy. God's love is Spirit-Fire. God's love has transformed our hearts, igniting in us a passion for orphans and a desire to share the love and hope and joy of Christ with another child. God has changed my heart in so many ways these last few months and I believe that many more changes are on the horizon. I no longer look at our "picture perfect" family and think we are complete. I see the blurry image of our son in the corner of my eye and I know that God has bigger plans than we could have every imagined. We are blessed, but God's blessings flow like a river, shifting and moving us always to new places.