When you're out of prayers but still have plenty of tears...

We have been waiting for our TA for 17 days. We thought it would come last week, but we missed making the cut off for that batch by one day. We held on to hope that it would arrive in time for us to leave next week but that didn't happen. Now everything in China is closed until Sunday due to a national holiday and the earliest we can expect our TA to arrive is next Wednesday. And now we may not be able to travel until May 21st. Truthfully, my heart is broken and I feel like I have been thrown onto an emotional roller coaster that just won't end. I have prayed and prayed and prayed. And then today when I found out we may face another 3-4 weeks before we hold our baby, I just had nothing else to pray. My prayers feel pointless and God is silent. When Justin asked if he could pray while I cried in his arms, my first thought was, "I don't want to hear any prayers. God's not listening." But while he prayed, his words somehow calmed my aching heart. Before he was done, my tears had stopped. And by the time he said, "Amen," I felt like God had listened...to us both.

I sent a message to my mom, telling her our latest news and said, "I am depleted."  She replied, "You rest. Let us do the praying."  

Was this the lesson I needed to learn? I have been walking this adoption journey with God, diving deeper and deeper into His grace.  I have left the shores of certainty and security and ventured into the rushing  waters of the "river whose streams make glad the city of God." I have been learning to stand as a woman who owns her strength and knows that God will sustain her through whatever trials she may face. I have taken Isaiah 61:3 and claimed it as my own:  "They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of The Lord for the display of his splendor."   I even wear this bracelet as a reminder every day   of the deeply rooted, unshakable strength that is promised to those who believe in Him.

This morning I would have said, "Lesson learned, God.  I've grown stronger this year. Now let's move on."

Today I realized that you can be strong one day and completely broken the next.

Perhaps the hardest lesson for me to accept is that this is not my journey to own. It belongs to all of us who are waiting to love that little boy unconditionally and forever. Amazingly, the list of those who journey with me is long and beautiful.  That is what God wants us to see and understand. That no matter how many steps down the road to Emmaus we take, we do not walk alone. No matter how full of the Spirit our hearts may be, sometimes we need to feel the Spirit's love in the arms of someone else- our husband, or our mother, or our sister. Someone who is there to hold us while we cry. We need to let them pray for us when we have run out of prayers to pray. 

God created us to be beings who live in community because God lives in community. The Father and the Spirit and the Son are One. "Let us make humankind in our image..."  Us...our....we.... 

This is my beautiful but bitter lesson. Walking in pursuit of God's true heart, learning to love as God loves, means accepting that life in the Spirit is life lived together. And sometimes it is ok to cry while someone else talks to God.  God will hear you both. 

(This is my treasured painting by the fabulous artist, Jaime Winton)

One Last Acronym

“T. A.”

If you pray anything on behalf of us this week or next, please pray these letters.  God will know what you mean. 

T.A. stands for “Travel Approval” and it is the very last thing we are waiting for in order to schedule our trip to China!  Hopefully we will leave about 1-2 weeks after our TA arrives.  

We have been through a long list of acronyms: LOI, PA,  i800a, DTC, OOT, LOA, i800… all of this was gibberish to me when we started the process a year ago.  Now I know just how much emotion can be wrapped up into just a few little letters! 

As of today, every paper has been signed, sealed, and delivered to where it needs to be and the only thing left for us to do is wait. One more time. 

We may hear as early as one week from now or it may take 2 or 3 weeks.  All along, we have never had one of our adoptions steps happen quickly so I have literally told God, "Can't you let us have just one fast step? Just one, please!"  

"Let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us."

If you have ever run a race, you may remember what it feels like to be standing at the starting line, ready to go, and waiting for the signal to go off.  You've prepared and trained for that one moment and you know that as soon as you hear the sound, you will take off as fast as you can and not look back.  That is pretty much how things are at our house right now.  We are about 90% packed and ready to go. Seriously, there are suitcases packed and ready.

We decided early on that we wanted to make this trip with Camdyn and Charlie.  We want them to be there from the very first moments that Carter joins our family.  We think it will be good for him to have them there, too.  Maybe Justin and I will be a little less scary and seem more like a legitimate Mama and Baba if we have other children there who also belong to us.  We also want them to experience the places where Carter spent the first part of his life.  We want them to see his orphanage.  We want them to experience China and love it, too.  

Since we didn't want to be in a foreign country and be outnumbered by children, we somehow convinced these awesome grandparents to come along.  (Truthfully, I couldn't imagine becoming a mom for the third time without my mom and dad there for support.  After Justin and myself, they were the first to welcome Camdyn and Charlie into this world and it just seems right that they would be there when Carter officially becomes our son.)

One last thing but one very important thing!  We are planning to take baby items to donate to Carter's orphanage while we are there.  Carter spent the first year of his life in a Lily Orphan Care Center which is a special room at his orphanage that is sponsored by our adoption agency, CCAI. You can read more about them here.  Infants in these rooms have the benefit of lower baby to nanny ratios and are cared for by nannies who have received special training.  They have more one on one attention, more formula, more clothes, and more access to medical care. This is only possible through generous donations from people like you and me.  One thing that led us to choosing CCAI was their commitment to care for orphans in China that extends far beyond the adoptions they help facilitate.  Lily Centers are just one example of the many amazing things they are doing throughout China.  

The Lily Centers in Carter's provence are in need of some supplies and we would love to carry over a suitcase or two of whatever we can gather.  

They have asked specifically for new or gently used:

   winter clothing for children up to 18 months (onesies, sweaters, hats, socks, warms pj's, etc)

   small hand towels

   bibs

   small toys that make sounds

   "nursing pillows" like Bobby's  

If you would like to send items you can send them directly to us, or via my mom and dad. Any donation would be greatly appreciated.  Also, if you would rather send gift cards or money, we will be making a Target run for items to fill a suitcase before we leave.