A letter to my son about the beginning of things....

Dear Carter,

Beginnings can be mysterious things. Especially when there is no one around to tell the story of how things came to be. Your beginning will always be clouded in questions. We will never really know for sure all the answers to our when, where, who, and why questions. You should know that you are not the only one with a mysterious beginning. Other children have stories very similar to yours. Stories of loss and loneliness and missing pieces of their heart. Other mothers have stories like mine. Stories of hope and faith and loving a little one she has never met. The truth is, the universe has a mysterious beginning, too. We can ask when or how this world began but we will never really know for sure. The stories in our Bible weren't told to give exact answers to unanswerable questions. They were told so that parents could give witness to their children about the God of the universe, the three-in-one Creator- Father, Spirit, Son. This is the God I love. And this is my story for you about our own mysterious beginnings, yours and mine, and my faith in a God who is both father and mother to us all....

In the beginning the Spirit-God brooded over the deep waters of our yet to be world. She wove into our universe codes of possibilities. She danced among the chaos and in her footsteps she laid plans for you and me, imprinting us within the world she birthed. She breathed life. In and out. She breathed love. In and out. She breathed wisdom. In and out. She breathed mercy. In and out. Songs of life for you and me were sung by the heavens in the dawn of time.

On the day you were born, when you were taking your first breath and crying in protest the way all babies do at first, She was there. She breathed love over you and She sang the song that was written just for you that very first day at the beginning of all things. Even then, the stars and angels in heaven were told your name.

When you were left alone by your birth mother, an act of sacrifice that must have shattered her heart into a million pieces, the Spirit was there and Her heart was breaking, too. She heard you crying alone and afraid and She sang her song of love for you. She breathed love in and out again. She wrapped her arms around you, she wiped away your tears, and told the stars to sing your song. When you were sick, when you cried just to be held, when you were cold, when you were hungry, She was there. She remembered Jesus' own pain, his own loneliness, his own hunger and She remembered his death. After all, she had felt the Father's agony and the Son's despair on the cross. Because of this, She knew your heart, and you were never alone.

All that time, on the other side of the world, She was also with us, nudging us down the road towards you. She knew you were there, waiting to surprise us, just around another bend in our road. I imagine that She wanted to say, "Hurry up! He's waiting!" She was there when we saw your sweet face and She told the angels it was time to sing again. And so they sang the Spirit's song for you, that song from the Ancient of Days, and with every prayer we prayed we began to hear the Spirit sing. She breathed Her love for you into our hearts. In and out. And the angels danced when we began to sing along, too.

You, my sweet son, know none of this. Every day I pray for you while you sleep on the other side of this big, big world. I tried to tell the Spirit that this journey needs to end. It has been too long and too hard. You are seven thousand miles away and it feels as if we are walking every single mile, one step at a time, slowly getting closer to this child we are called to love. Doesn't God know you've been alone for too long? You need your mother. You need your father. We need you. But then She reminds me that you are not alone.

You have never been alone.

You have never been alone.

So I pray that while you sleep tonight She will whisper your name in your ears. That She will sing a song of a mother's love into your sleeping heart. That while you sleep you will feel a father's arms holding you tight. That running through your dreams are a little girl and a little boy with yellow hair and laughter full of joy. So that when the day comes and they finally, FINALLY put you in my arms, the Spirit will laugh, and the angels will dance, and you will know that we have come for you, just for you, and we have belonged to you since the very beginning, when the Spirit first sang your song.