Finding Normal Again

We have only been home for less than five days but it feels like things are slowly moving towards our new normal. Carter seems to have moved in as if he always lived here. "This is my playroom. These are my toys. Yes."  

Camdyn and Charlie jumped right back into things as soon as we got back. They are enjoying those last party filled fun days of school this week. Soccer and baseball are in full swing and our pool is even open!

I worried a lot about how this trip and this adoption would impact Camdyn and Charlie. I know that the jury is still out on the latter, but they both have blossomed in their own ways over the last few weeks. Charlie is a sweet and doting big brother, as long as Carter stays away from his baseball cards. 

He has always been my snuggle bug and before we left I introduced the question, "Is your cuddle tank full?"  He will say, "All full!" or "Half way." or when he is feeling a little sad or like he needs more attention, he will say, "My cuddle tank is empty."  This has given him a way to ask for mommy time without having to come out and say it and I think it has helped him transition away from being the baby in the family to being a big brother. 

Camdyn just is amazing and did incredibly well in our trip. She seemed to come out of her shell and went from having anxiety about eating at any restaurant to being the one raising her hand to tell Chinese waitresses when we needed more water or when we were ready for our bill. 

She and Charlie were adventuresome when it came to food, more than I ever expected. They even ate and ordered these conch shell mussels at a Japanese restaurant we tried towards the end if our trip!

I think that what makes our transition time so much better is that Justin also has paternity leave from Shenandoah University. We have always been a non-traditional family in the sense that we truly co-parent and try to equally share the responsibility of raising our children. That's just how we do family. Justin is a super-dad who puts his kids first every single time and he needs this time to bond with Carter as much as I do. Even though he still has work stuff going on from time to time, for the most part we are together as a family as much as possible- grocery shopping, errands, etc. We are blessed to have this time together and I know it is only possible because we both have phenomenally supportive employers.

We have been dealing with some attachment issues that didn't become obvious until after we got home. As cute and charming as Carter is, he is also a mommy-shopper. "Mommy shopping" is not uncommon in adopted children and if you think about it from the perspective of a 22 month old, makes total sense. Carter's first mother abandoned him. Then he was cared for by a constant rotation of nannies in his orphanage. Then he had a foster mother but after a few months with her was moved to a new home where he had a foster mother (who primarily cared for her own son) and was therefore cared for by a foster grandmother. Then, his whole world turned upside down and these funny looking and funny sounding people took him away from his home. He knows we are fun and we feed him and care for him and almost always give him whatever he wants. He lets us comfort him when he's hurt and clings to us when he scared or unsure. But we also do things no toddler likes- we change his diaper, we wipe food off his face, we make him take medicine, we tell him "No!" when he hits us, and we make him stay buckled into that awful thing called a car seat (which are non-existent in China.)  

So, he is clearly looking to see if someone else will be more fun than us. He is looking for a mommy or daddy that will be all play and never say "No."  He's only known us for two weeks, so we don't take it personally. Before my mom left, we saw that he was starting to prefer her to us. It was especially difficult because once we realized what was going on, we had to cut short my parents' visit here. My amazing, wonderful mom spent her last day here literally hiding from Carter. Not because we asked her, but because she knew it was not ok for him to reach for her and say "Mama!" whenever she walked in the room.  My dad drove all the way up here from Tennessee and got to see Carter for less than a few hours before they had to leave.  (Trust me, I can't wait for him to go to their farm and experience all the glorious spoiling that is waiting for him there, but not until he understands that this is home and he can't trade Justin and I in for more fun parent models.)

Our suspicions were even more confirmed when after an hour playing with my teenage nieces, he was crying at the door when they left saying, "Mama!"  If he is upset, he will sometimes even reach for Camdyn instead of us. She's all fun and that's how big sisters should be, but he doesn't know the difference yet between a fun sister and a mommy. 

Once we realized what was going on, Justin and I decided to be more serious about boundaries than we had anticipated. We have limited who comes over and given strict rules that sound a little over the top, like: 

1) Don't blow bubbles. Even if he asks. 

2) Don't hand him any toys.

3) If he offers you a toy, kindly point to either one of us and tell him to give it to his mama or baba. 

4) Don't give him anything to eat. 

5) Don't pick him up. Even if he gives you the sweetest smile and raises his hands up super high. 

6) Don't sit on the floor when he is around playing. 

For any other toddler, these things would be no big deal, but for Carter and for us, these are our only tools for attachment. Play and nurture. Play and nurture. Play and nurture. And time. 

Justin and I spent the last year reading and researching as much as we could in preparation for just these kinds of things. We are not making this up on our own but are just following advice from experts who know a lot more about this stuff than we do. We are trying to make the best choices for our son and our family as we go along. We have no idea how long it will be this way, but until we know that he has stopped mommy (and daddy) shopping, that's just how it will have to be. 

If anyone has questions about adoption, attachment, or even about Carter, you are always welcome to ask. We are always happy to share our experiences and our hearts with anyone who will listen.