Who's the Boss?

From the second we first met Carter in China he has been telling us what to do. Literally. The first few minutes and hours with him were filled with his loud commands (in Chinese) for us to "Go out there!" and "No! Over there!"  We think he was trying to direct us back to the van that had just hours before taken him away from his foster home and delivered him to us. While he is much more happy, hardly ever angry, and usually very silly and playful most of the time, he still sometimes acts like this is all one big play date and he is the one in charge.

Adopting a toddler is particularly challenging because traumatized children will often deal with the disruptive or abusive events in their past by wanting to take control of their new environment.  Taking control allows them a false sense of security and keeps them from relying too much on their new caregivers. This is a survival technique for children who have learned at a very young age that grown ups are unreliable at best, hurtful at worst. 

Add to this the natural developmental instincts of a two year old. Toddlers are pre-programmed in their very nature to begin to establish autonomy and independence at this age. For most two year olds, these efforts at independence are steps that parents should applaud. However, for a newly adopted two year old who has already experienced multiple layers of abandonment and a long string of different care givers, what they need to be learning now is dependence, the exact opposite of what their developmental instincts are telling them to do. 

All of this can coalesce into behaviors that are what I call a "toddler on steroids". Temper tantrums are triggered more easily and last longer. Sometimes he will wake up from a nap completely in a rage and we haven't figured out if he is having nightmares or just waking up disoriented and confused. Sometimes he still will be overcome with waves of grief and sadness that seem to come out of nowhere. If he sees food that he wants and we don't give it to him immediately, he will cry, fuss, and then begin to plead "Food! Please! Mommy, hungry! Food!"  (Imagine being at a large picnic while you are standing in line and this is what your child does, over and over and over while complete strangers stare at you wondering why your child seems so hungry and desperate for food.) Most two year olds don't understand waiting, but then add to that a history of hunger and neglect and this is what you get. All of this is normal for a newly adopted toddler and none of it makes us love him any less. 

What has become one of my greatest pet peeves, though, is the well meaning comment, "He's just acting like a two year old."  Well, yes and no. His behavior is normal for a two year old but his responses to stress, new situations, or even just not getting his way are more extreme and are often accompanied by an attempt to pretend like we are non-existent. He doesn't want to be held, he doesn't want us to talk to him, and he will do everything in his power to avoid looking at us. In his anger, we become strangers again. 

Yesterday we had one such tantrum that lasted for over an hour. All because I told him to apologize to his sister for hitting her. He refused to say "sorry" and I would not let him out of my lap until he did. So we sat there. Me holding him. Him screaming and kicking. Me trying not to cry. Him refusing to look at me or say the one word he knew he needed to say. Eventually I started to second guess the whole thing. Why did he need to apologize? Does he even understand what I am asking him to say? But I knew he did because just the day before he had said, "Sorry, Cammy!" several times when we asked him.  

    (He fell asleep screaming only to wake up and start screaming again.)

Just when I thought we would both be glued together forever, he saw his lunch being set out on his high chair, and stopped crying. He turned to Cammy, smiled at her and said as sweetly as he could, "Sorry, Cammy!"  Just like that he was smiling and happy and all was well in his world. 

Somehow our long and drawn out battle of wills had reestablished the correct order of roles in his universe and he came out of it much more calm and content. I think he needed to push the boundaries as far as he could, just to see if this new Mommy really has sticking power. Children may think they want to be the boss, but deep down their little hearts want someone else to take charge. 

What we are starting to see is that Carter needs less choices and more structure. Instead of saying, "Do you want to go play on the swings?" we are now telling him, "We are going to play on the swings now."  Structure, schedules, and routines help provide a framework of security that he has never truly possessed.  Instead of having him learn to do tasks all by himself, we are encouraging him to "help" Mommy or Daddy. Yesterday he saw me struggling to carry a bag of groceries inside and he said, "Mommy need help?"  My heart almost burst right then and there. 

All of this is meant to reinforce the message that we are his parents and he doesn't have to parent himself anymore. We will provide all that he needs and then some. It is love in action, saying over an over,  "It is ok now. Relax. We've got you and we aren't letting go."

I am not sharing any of this because I want sympathy or because I want to scare anyone away from adoption. We are blessed beyond measure with this beautiful boy who fills our days with more joy than we ever expected. Whenever anyone asks me how Carter is doing, I always respond with a sincere smile and an enthusiastic, "He is amazing!" But I don't want anyone to think that the road we are on is without struggle. The task of parenting any child, biological or adopted, is not easy and we never thought it would be. What I also know is that as difficult as it has been for Justin and myself, the last three months have been infinitely more difficult for Carter. In spite of all he has lost and all the changes he has faced, he remains so very brave and generous with his love.  Love is not easy and does not come without cost. True, deep, abiding love is always forged through pain and tears. That is the beauty of it.