Grace In Motion

I have to admit, I am tired. 

Tired of being needed by someone every hour of every day. 

Tired of the never ending shift my mind has to make from mommy mode to doctor mode to mommy mode and back again. Sometimes more than once in a single day. 

I am tired of picking up the same toys over and over again. I am tired of harassing your brother and sister to please. Just. Clean. Up. Your. Rooms.

I am tired of this poison ivy that makes me want to scratch my face off. 

I am tired of never finishing my daily to do list, ever.

 I am tired of feeling like I have to be nurturing and available and positive and patient and always present because you deserve nothing less than a mother who is all of those things and more. 

I am tired of only seeing your father for brief moments here and there because he needs to work when I am not working so that you are with one of us most of the time. We have eaten one single meal together, just the two of us with no kids present, since we went to China. Then, tonight I fell asleep on the couch waiting for him to put you all to bed and missed our big "date" to watch the end of True Blood. We don't need Dr. Phil to tell us that's not a recipe for a healthy marriage.  

I am tired of the pressure to make sure you eat a well balanced diet, when we both know you would be happy to eat nothing but rice and popsicles all day long. 

I am tired of explaining to total strangers that yes, you are my son and no, you did not "cost a lot of money," and yes, the older two are doing just fine, thank you very much. 

I am tired of still feeling hurt because of unkind words said not by strangers, but by people we love after we brought you home.

 I knew but I didn't know just how hard and isolating this path we have chosen could be. 

But none of this matters when you run to me as I walk in the door and jump up and down squealing, "Mommy's home!!! Mommy's home!!"  Or when you climb in my lap and give me a big wet kiss just because you love kisses. Seriously, you love kisses. Or when I ask you if you want to take a bath and you say, "No, thank you."  Or when we are out in public and you start singing, "Yes, Jesus lub me. Bible..me....so.!!!." My first thought is always, "I hope we don't offend anyone, singing about Jesus in the grocery store and all."  Then I see your smile while you sing loudly, "Bible..me...sooo!"  and I can't help but think you've got it all figured out. Just like the way you wave your hands in the air like you just don't care as soon as the music starts in church. 

    Why are your hands not up, Mommy?

You are delighted by this world and by music and by love. Jesus said that it is the faith of children that will save us. He actually said we need to become more like children in order to be saved. I think he meant that the faith of children and their ability to accept love without question or cynicism, is the faith that will point us all towards Heaven.  Not only do children accept love, but they give it away so unconditionally and unreservedly. Even after they have been abandoned, abused, and neglected- they still love. Children embody grace. 

And so it is with you, my sweet son.  You make my tired old mommy heart smile with every kiss, every giggle, and every belted out "Jesus...lub..me!!"  I don't understand it, but in three short months you have made us forget how we were ever a family without you.  You love us without reservation or agenda and you have claimed us as your own. Literally- at least once a day you point your finger to my chest and say, "Momma. Carter's momma," claiming me as yours. 

  I realized this tonight, as your laughter melted away all the weariness of a long, busy week- Jesus was right. The faith of a child will bring us into God's kingdom because children are grace in motion. 

Here is what I am beginning to see- your faith in us, your love for us, and the joy you lavish onto the ones you love is what is saving me all over again.  All of this, the hard stuff and the hurt, is the costly grace that matters so much. Cheap grace comes without sacrifice and counts for nothing in the end.  And in the end, all of this isn't about me at all.  It is about the One who called us out on this journey to live life as a family together. The One who knows that you are nothing less than a treasure- sought after and redeemed not by me but by God's own self. Thank you for reminding me of that every time you call me, "Mommy."

"Costly grace is the treasure hidden in the field; for the sake of it a man will go and sell all that he has. It is the pearl of great price to buy which the merchant will sell all his goods....Such grace is costly because it calls us to follow, and it is grace because it calls us to follow Jesus Christ. It is costly because it costs a man his life, and it is grace because it gives a man the only true life."

- Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship