Topsy Turvy

I forgot.

I forgot how much a toddler can turn your world upside down and topsy-turvy. 

I forgot what it was like to wake up completely exhausted because your baby woke up in the middle of the night and while he seemed so sad and so sweet cuddling up to you when you put him in your bed, you soon realized that he just wanted to use you as a pillow. So you had to spend the next five hours not moving, with a ten pound head (bowling ball) squirming over your arm, then your chest, then your belly, then your arm again.  And that is why I have not and never will be a co-sleeper. 

I forgot what it felt like to not be able to turn your head for one.single.second.  Because one.single.second is all it takes for your sweet little one to decide to practice his new words “up!” and “down!” by jumping up and down in his high chair. 

I forgot that diapers cannot be left off those cute little baby buns for any amount of time.  Some things just should not be cleaned off the floor.  Ever.

I forgot how much mess can be created in one small space by such a small creature.  If dumping toys out of baskets were a sport, my son could be an Olympic gold medalist. 

I forgot how miserable applying sunscreen to an already wet and sandy baby can be. 

I forgot how easily you can turn into a crazy lady if someone makes too much noise in the house during nap time.  “Quiet! YOU BETTER NOT WAKE UP YOUR BROTHER!”

I forgot how much true love can be seen when your husband takes all of the kids out and leaves you home alone for just one hour.  Solitude and quiet can truly restore your soul.

I forgot those moments when all the kids are miserable and unhappy and it is all your fault because you just won’t let them have or do the one thing they must have or do or their world will end in total despair. 

   (Truth: these three don't smile all the time.)

Those moments when the only thing you can do is close your eyes, cry a little bit and pray.  “God, help me get through these next 90 seconds with just a little bit of grace.  Help me not to say something that will hurt their hearts too much.  Help me know what to do to bring some peace and calm into this moment.  Give me peace.  Give me calm.” 

And there it is.  

So faint, like a vapor.  

Peace.  Calm. 

I forgot that God is near in every moment, even the crazy, pull your hair out, gone too fast, toddler chaos moments. When nothing feels sacred and you realize that in the last month you have read that "Where is Spot?" book two hundred more times than you have even opened a Bible.  When you can't remember the last time you took a shower, but that's ok because you have not gone anywhere that mandated you look pretty or smell nice.  When you just cannot understand why your child does not get tired of hearing you sing "The Itsy Bitsy Spider." 

    (Evidence of my last shower)

 It is so simple, it seems like a lesson for children and not their grown up mama with a theology degree: Every second of every day, God is near. Which means these messy days full of mayhem and chaos are more sacred than I will ever know. 

"I look behind me and you’re there,

    then up ahead and you’re there, too—

    your reassuring presence, coming and going."

-Psalm 139 (MSG)